Danuh Agha.

How To Properly Bloom.

2012-02-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about that strange, disillusioned time in our life when we sort of have to decide what it is we really want for ourselves. It's pretty selfish now that I think about it. I think sometimes about people who are burnouts that end up working with their father's fishing company and knock up their high school tooth ache (once their sweetie) and live the ever-so comfortable life in Monterey, California. Then, I start thinking about people who who fall prisoners to the high-top and glamorous lifestyle of week night partying in their mommy and daddy's house while they continue to grow older and older and older and older until one day they wake up and see their gut hanging over their belt and the wrinkles setting deeply around their eyes as they get ready to go work as the door opener for that one swanky hotel in Carmel.

I feel so sorry for people here.

They have no real direction or idea of what they're doing from what I can tell. Though, I will say some of them really do try hard to escape if not through education. Some girls work their stuff and hang around those rich bastards that do the whole AT&T traffic-backer-upper event.
My, Danna is cynical lately. Maybe because she can't decide if the Mayan legend is true, or it could be the fact that she is learning to let go.
Either way, She is in bloom.

Good Vibrations.

2012-02-05T17:56:00.000-08:00

And so begins the Spring semester . . . .and the stress.

But don't worry, Danuh could not be more relieved and in a better place. Last semester (Fall) was a really shitty time for me, emotionally. I had to go through such a battle with my cognitive dissonance and dealing with inner nostalgia. Phew! Glad that bull shit is over. On to more important things. Those being my school work, art, and writing.

I'm only now doing better because I JUST realized how much truth is in the old saying "ignorance is bliss". It took me a while but hey, better late than never, right? Besides, I need to keep reminding myself this is a small town, so naturally there will be an exclusive number of people I can hang out with, or even bother talking to. Plus, why put up a front with people when I'd rather them realize what is inevitable for themselves? So, I say let people dwell on the now and learn the not-so-easy way, they seem to enjoy doing that.

In other news, I have come across new music that I consider to be the sounds of this time period (for me).

Love and Chispita.

2012-01-29T21:12:00.000-08:00

So, I'm at the point in my life where I think I am only starting to scratch the surface of that thing called my career. There are many options and roads I can take in order to get there and yet, I still strongly believe that having a piece of paper with words and symbols that say I can do it somehow justifies my abilities to do whatever it is I claim to be able to do. How strange.
I had tea with my ideal mother-in-law that will never be, Mrs. Rowe, and she poured her heart out to me in a very crowded upstairs cafe filled with young college students studying. They all had their mac books open and were exchanging thoughts and pushing buttons left and right, all while passing approving head nods to each other about whatever it was they were discussing.
Mrs. Rowe is the epitome of the four letter verb; love. She looked really defeated and really quite sad. This is probably the first time I've ever seen her so out of character, since she encompasses everything a 4'11 Italian woman can (like emotional talking and bright, cheery opinions mixed in with saucy tones ). So, we're sitting very close to these young students in a, more or less, quiet environment and she starts to slowly break down about how she feels towards her children and their life choices, their immaturity, and ultimately the very poor decisions they are succumb to due to their irresponsible habits. It was kind of like a blossoming tragedy, listening to her talk and pound her little fist on the counter which shook the cups of coffee and laptops of the people around us, dropping f-bombs frequently and calling the poorly supervised girls her sons engage in intercourse with "bitches and sluts". She really is considering kicking them out of her house since they completely disrespect her and her rules.I really had to keep a straight face and not throw up from all the cuteness I'm listening to. Oh God. How I wanted to hug the hell out of her.Once she was done describing how out of control everything felt to her, she laughed out loud and so did I.
I wish I could help her, and I love that she confides in me so much and tells me everything. She sees a lot of herself in me since we were both raised by our grandmothers, with their strict, cultural upbringing. We see eye to eye (metaphorically speaking, but you knew that) on a ton of things but in the end, there isn't much I can do but listen to her and agree. I absolutely love her.
In the mean time, enjoy these photos I took of the cutest little dog, Chispita, a pair of conjoined twins, and returned receipts with drawing by my customers.Voila.

I hurt myself and it looks like really bad plastic surgery.

2012-01-26T20:54:00.000-08:00

So, Danuh got this nasty, gargantuan sized mountain of a bump on her lip. At first, she thought "oh damn, a cold sore, guess I should tough it out and let nature take its course". But then, the mountain became a bluish planet filled with mucus and tissue. So with that, she went to the oral surgeon, who flipped out and gave it the name "Mucocele", and he advised for immediate surgery to remove the horrible cyst from her awesome feminine lips.Alas, the cyst was one of the biggest the doctor had ever performed on and it left a very nasty and unattractive scar on the inside of her lower lip. Thus, the once lonely planet is now a gaping crater cradled on pouty red lips. The end.

Back to Charcoal

2012-01-21T22:45:00.000-08:00

Painting is kind of a process. Who knew! Also, not very inspired to do anymore dream art since I've been dreaming mostly about the Syrian civil war and people being decapitated left and right. Unfortunately, my dream are more like nightmares lately so what better way to get my mind off it then to draw pretty women in black and white like the one pictured above. I don't know who she is, and that's okay. It keeps me guessing and that much more interested in who she is. I think the fact that the photo of her and my heading background are almost dead on in resemblance is so attractive to me. What can I say, I am sometimes vain. Anyway,I really am looking forward to drawing her since I actually want to draw something for once instead of frantically rush to find a subject before a show. I'll keep all y'all up to date with my mediocre art.

(mi pueblo is awesome, thanks Alex)

Also, I was thinking of drawing this in ink on regular 'ol sketch book paper since it would take me way too long to map all this out and paint or draw in charcoal (though it is possible!). I was inspired by this one artist who drew a picture of the Paris Bakery desserts and counter, menu board, etc. Really simple and so detailed, that's what I am aiming for. It's kind of a throwback to high school with the excessive doodles and sketches I'd put on the back of homework or tests. Gosh, I don't miss high school one bit.

Salute To Sluts

2012-01-20T19:59:00.000-08:00

And so the epiphany came like a shot in the back! Okay, maybe not like that. It was more like an hour glass filled with about six months worth of time that eventually ran out and has finally settled down grain by grain. It was more like a fat house cat came and knocked it over when it jumped on the table and broke it that I actually snapped out of it.The realization itself came today when I was sitting in my car as it was raining and talking to Alex about life and viewpoints on people and events that effected us. We had an open conversation about everything and everyone (and our future home together). It turns out that a world without sluts is a world without the ultimate test of truth. How did I come to that conclusion from that conversation? Uhhh . . . . . .real life examples from people. Anyway, sluts are a necessity to this modern world if anyone were to ever keep their options open. Sure, sluts are unbecoming and vile, but also really fun. They're basically the ground that we walk on and are an open door to a good time. In fact, sluts are the very reason that us women have grown to be so demanding, cracking the whip, pulling the reins, wearing the pants, whatever you want to call it. I love sluts, they're so comedic and petty. Though, I will say that some really know how to use what they're working with to benefit themselves, and more power to them. However, the ones that are still so young and fragile that one death glare can make them cry? Those really piss me off. The ones that really just don't know what they want in life and hang around big groups of people to feel some woolly security blanket that in turns makes them itch (probably from an icky disease). I guess I feel embarrassed for them that they think their life at the moment is some awesome roller coaster of coolness and party pictures. In the end, you're just something that gets passed around and your cover will be blown. Phew! Glad I got that off my chest!

Anyway! Here are some photos of my dream home, a loft. . . . . .
I know, how do I go from sluts to lofts? It's been on my mind for a couple days so . . . .

Also, this is technically cheating my art so here's a pretty collage of a pretty sweet day.

Sounds.

2012-01-18T22:19:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning thinking that I may have possibly died and woken up in a mortuary body freezer. But lucky for me, it was only my room.It was damn cold this morning, maybe 32 degrees in my home? I joked last night with a customer that I do in fact sleep in my fur lined blue jacket, though, I was completely serious, I went with the joke hoping that humoring him and his wife would tip me more or something. He asked why I didn't turn the heater on in my home and I had to explain my home was built sometime in the 1920's and central heating is far too advanced for such a prehistoric structure.Anyway, besides the fact that I was a blue skinned mass lying on crisp cold bed sheets, I couldn't help but notice the rhythm of sounds around me. . . .well first I noticed the my feet were no longer able to feel but that is beside the point. Do you ever stop to just listen to the noise around you? I just lied in bed, practically committing suicide while I threw the sheets off and soaked up the sounds of:

a coffee maker straining
a vacuum sucking in a somewhat large object ( I love it)
sheets ruffling in the morning
an old love seat creaking
a heater being turned on
a head turning on a pillow

Do you have strange little admiration for everyday things, like the ones I've listed above?
Also, once I managed to balance my center of gravity and get ready to challenge the day to come, all this happened . . . . . . .

Distractions.

2012-01-17T21:19:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the word "distractions". It basically means a diversion, to not give something your undivided attention. With that, it then got me thinking about people and what sort of daily distractions they unconsciously (or consciously) go through. Some that I experience on a more or less conscious level are:

-not organizing my closet how I'd like due to too many ideas of what I could be doing aside from that
-constant music and repetitive thoughts
-peeling the polish off my nails (not as ugly as it sounds)
-Adrien Brody (only kind of)
-pacing back and forth

These are all pretty boring and on the less noticeable side. However, other people's distractions are much more apparent and obvious, from what I've noticed. Some people like to have promiscuous, repulsive sex and deliberately personify the glossy, over-rated image of the "hard core asshole" (that doesn't even sound attractive). Some people like to shoot Heroine and live on uncle Rodeny's commune and be in a disposition to be just like their mother or father . Pick your poison, seriously. Mine happens to be procrastination from my own worry. Oh, and my worries? They're petty compared to the rest of the world's problems. I shouldn't complain so much, I'm twenty years old for crying out loud and yet I still feel like a ten year old girl with a bowl hair-cut and no sense of direction what-so ever. Some things really haven't changed all that much for me.

So, I'm making the choice to actually follow through with what I really want to do instead of cowering in the background and being nostalgic all the time, I hear it ain't too healthy. I can only hope to accomplish the following:

- write one page a day for the book I want to publish
- mend the little unwound strings that keep my heart intact
- put the ideas in my head on a canvas
-organize my clothes (maybe)

Keep in mind, your distractions will only narrow your will.

So . . ..what distracts YOU?

The Captious Character.

2012-01-13T22:13:00.000-08:00

One thing for certain that I am aware of is that I have the most difficult time letting people in on my life. I really don't care to make an effort to see most people, mostly because I'd rather be carefully critiquing the decisions I am making, or painting. But truth be told, other people's actions somewhat frighten me. See, if there is one thing I am absolutely terrified of is being another speck in the sand in a big, big ocean.I think I am only starting to grasp my relationships with people and with myself. It's true, I am an old damned soul. But the want to have genuine relationships with people is constantly being shot down the more I see real-life examples of just how not-so real life it is, with the exception of being drinking buddies. I swear I was born a romantic.

So what is the point of trying to be close with people in such a small town? It always amuses me when I'm walking down a busy, condensed street with tourists and every store I look into has some high school burn out working the cash register and smacking their gum while they text their friend, or their whatever.
For a while I thought I found a clique, you know, people or a person I can be myself around, but in the end, they use it against me and decide that my bluntness makes me a prick or elitist. Perhaps I am simply too upward. I'm sorry, but if someone can't handle the truth, or take a joke, then I strongly suggest they don't look in the mirror. See? Just like that.

I was recently asked by an acquaintance what an ideal life for me would be like. Without skipping a beat, I replied " Easy, Adrien Brody and I get married, breed excessively and live in Spain where we live the rest of our days being fancy and walking around." Yeah, walking around, I'm reaching for the stars you guys. . . . . . .

Anyway, all I can say is that I really need to leave and find another outlet, I'm only really friends with people older than I am and I can't honestly tell you how that makes me feel. I was watching the Wonder Years tonight and I came across a saying that stuck with me: "maybe part of loving is learning to let go". I think I need to let go of a few things . . .or learn to do that for starters.

Nostalgic Don't Cover It.

2012-01-10T21:07:00.000-08:00

Mature should only be used to describe the age of wine, those new bangs you're wearing, and possibly some really good cheese . . . just not Danuh. It greatly bothers me, in fact, I kind of want to consider it a put-down at times. It doesn't really distinguish anyone and I do not identify myself with it. Guys, I'm not mature. I mean, have you looked at this blog? It reeks amateurism and a whole lot of spelling errors, and possibly regret.

Every morning when I wake up, I stand very still in front of my mirror and stare deeply into my pupils. I read the little red lines that sharply encompass my eye. I then slowly examine the blues, periwinkles, purples, and different hues that underline my eyes.Last but not least, I look attentively at my iris until my eyes feel dry. I then clench my teeth and watch as my jawline and cheek bones flex and create an accented, present line ranging from the inner most tip of my eye to the ball beneath my earlobe. I do this for a solid 5 minutes until I am satisfied with what is looking back at me.

Now, not only is this really, really creepy, but also the thoughts that are sprinting in my mind leave me with ridiculous scenarios that could never pan out.Ever since I was a small child, I'd put these really romantic situations in my head about how I'd like my day to go or how I'd like to see something happen.I ponder these thoughts all day, maybe even for several days until I am completely satisfied with my, more or less, logical outcomes and move onto the next dumb idea that never will. See? I am not mature, I am deeply concentrating. . . . Does anyone else have strange little morning regimes?

Also I wear a nose ring.

The trick is to keep breathing.

2012-01-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

I'm debating whether I'll continue posting my picture collages on my blog. They're pretty insightful and capture the things in my life which make me think, or make you think, though I seriously doubt anyone is following this little open page of thoughts that are plugged into the wall so really, it doesn't matter after all . Either way, they make me happy when I look at them. On that note (of happiness), do you suppose love and happiness has it's own purgatory? It's own middle ground where the only difference is you can choose for yourself and be somewhat selfish about it? I think I'd rather wait for the epiphany . See, I've been on this sort of tight-rope of strong ideas and ambitions, it's a pretty solid wire and it's completely supported by a strong foundation at both ends and yet I'm not entirely sure where it's going. It's as if to say this balancing act I'm trying to convince my audience below me is going just fine and I've got a steady hold of gravity. However, I think I am starting to change my mind about how steady my grip and my center of balance is on this tight-rope . . . . . . In any case, I'm feeling an ever-present shift in morals and my cognitive dissonance.Maybe I'm experiencing this thing called aging. Growth. This middle ground feels comfortable and somewhat vexatious all at once.

Or it could be my continues pacing back and forth in my mind of the events that happened to me which jolted my reasoning greatly In a sense, it help me realize the extent of the relationships I have with people around me, even with myself. Be it intimate, mutual, platonic, or just another fan on the internet who thinks my ethnic beauty is something to salivate over, I should keep sticking to my sardonic, sweet nature and watch from a far distance, because that is what is REALLY magnetic. However, everyone wants to belong somewhere, to be a part something, somehow. Changing drastically to feel a sense of belonging and love is a whole other topic in itself. Or is that what everyone is craving? Or a handful of you at least.

Who gives a shit? I mean, the true test attraction in any relationship is learning how to stand on your own, to not push yourself to be this illusion of a modern, commercialized sex symbol who flaunts a juvenile yet mediocre persona just so one can feel useful or part of SOMETHING. See, this is why I should never have reproduce, I'm delusional, you guys.

My "Fuck Finals" Peace Of Mind.

2011-12-22T20:42:00.000-08:00

It's pretty weird how smoothly things have been going for me. Sure, my grades in school could not be more ordinary and yes, stress had taken a huge toll on my health. But lately, I like how I'm feeling. I've honestly never thought that being lazy and doing what I want would be so invigorating to my senses.Duh, right? Being such a fast-paced, fast-walker, fast-talker, fast-anything, makes everything go that much slower for me for reasons that are beyond my pungent mind , and to just let go of it all and not care has been extremely rewarding for me physically and mentally. My painting has improved drastically since my little month and a half sanity vacation started last week. Oh, and meeting someone who isn't emotionally confused and actually acts his age is pretty nice too. He even comes with a little dog. It's almost like I'm in a coma or something. There I go again . . . .

And to give you deeper insight into how I feel exactly, I took a picture depicting it . . .

Upgrade.

2011-12-12T23:13:00.000-08:00

<p>&amp;amp;lt;a href="http://alexrammusic.bandcamp.com/track/turns-single"&amp;amp;gt;Turns (Single) by Alex Ramirez&amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;gt;</p>

The Woman of My Dreams.

2011-11-18T19:12:00.001-08:00

Zoe Boekbinder has enchanted me for some time now.

Meeting her and hugging her was amazing.

She is quite literally the woman of my dreams.

Bassoonist Eric.

2011-11-10T19:26:00.001-08:00

Learning to forgive is one of my greatest accomplishments .

Cognitive Dissonance (I)

2011-10-20T20:03:00.001-07:00

Painting isn't my strongest ability right at this moment so I resorted back to my second love. . . .charcoal. Oh that and I needed to create a whole other series because I felt like the direction I was taking with mypaintings was going down hill. And school is kicking my ass. Cognitive Dissonance, you guys . . . . .

Prague Fans.

2011-10-03T23:06:00.000-07:00

I encountered this person a while ago at my job.Turns out he is a pretty accomplished writer and musician. Strange fellow, indeed.

A home in Carmel.

2011-09-11T20:33:00.003-07:00

I have strange humor.

. . . .yeah.

A 90 year-old rockin' chair.

Good thing there's a copy of the american constitution while I take a dump.

Abnormal Egg

2011-07-27T15:10:00.001-07:00

Cloth.

Little and Big.

Syrian Connections.

2011-06-04T21:03:00.001-07:00

Ancient Street Lights.

Morning Cigarettes.

School Blues.

2011-06-04T18:44:00.001-07:00

2010-01-10T20:52:00.000-08:00

2010-01-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

Plantain Dream.

2009-06-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

Springbach, apparently.

2009-06-16T16:58:00.000-07:00

Jorge and Sushi

2009-06-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

Brian the Brain.

2009-06-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

Heart.

2009-06-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

Toxic Sea Spider

2009-02-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

Bad Sister

2009-02-06T16:37:00.001-08:00

Good Sister

2009-02-06T16:35:00.001-08:00

Lungclam

2009-02-06T16:34:00.001-08:00

Cactus

2009-02-06T16:33:00.001-08:00

Boddah.

2008-09-05T16:13:00.001-07:00